A Fandom Dancinbutterfly

Personal and possibly interesting.
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official-gerardway:

I was having a conversation with someone important to me a few months ago and they said something I had never heard before.

We were talking about depression. More specifically- the flash-flood of bulletproof mania, and it’s inevitable descent into lengthy, paralyzing anguish- our shared condition. 

“The Happy-Sads.” they said. “That’s what my doctor calls them”.

 I rested in the hum-quiet lapse that happens every so often on the phone. 

It seemed such a simple way to put it, but it summed it all up. I hear these little pieces all the time- I think we all do- someone says something, a turn of phrase, or a sentence fragment- and it sticks. It resonates. It becomes a short story or the subject of a comic, a song title- sometimes more.

The Happy-Sads.

It felt like something larger and smaller at the same time- it made sense of everything, boiling it down to a simple phrase- and I laid down under it’s gravity. 

I remember being a boy, and the times where everything was quiet. Those were the briefest moments, and you had to catch them like comets. Then came chaos and noise- reckless, indestructible enthusiasm. That part lasted longer than the quiet, but not nearly as long as the empty.

I think it was easier for those older than me to say I was simply shy, and I wasn’t to hear the word “introverted” until I got to high school, and I didn’t hear anyone seriously talk about “depression” until I was in college- and even then it was just something you could “will away”. No one’s son or daughter was “crazy” or a “manic-depressive”. Labels. From youth to adulthood I would bounce back and forth from “very artistic” to “quiet”.

If my depression was robbing the bank, then my anxiety was waiting in the get-away car outside, masked and armed. There would be stretches that would go on for weeks where I thought I was going to Hell. These would segue into stretches where, knowing that everyone was going to die eventually and I would lose everyone I knew, I couldn’t spend more than 2 minutes in school before going home in hysterics.  I just didn’t want to lose a single moment with people I loved- moments I could never get back.

My anxiety found different ways of manifesting itself- more subdued versions as I got older, but the back and forth, the up and down, stayed the same. You couldn’t wind a watch to it, but you could see it just over the hill, and you’d wait for it to hit.

Years of it.

Then I learned to use it, to tap into it, but I was hiding, not facing.

Being a singer in a band allowed me to tap into 2 very extreme emotions, and ones I knew very well- violent happiness and theatrical despair. This worked for me for years. And the more I could use them every night, the less I had to deal with them during the day, or night afterwards. Zeroes in a bunk, zeroes in the morning, drinking coffee, watching mile-markers. 

Zeroes. Years of them.

I then decided to deal with it.

I had another conversation, again with someone important to me, but this person was life-threateningly ill. They said to me one thing that was the most important.

 “Everything is temporary. When you’re happy- it’s temporary. Sad? Temporary. Job? Temporary. Bought a house? It’s only yours until you no longer need it. “

There were two ways to look at it- happy or sad. But everything was temporary.

In your worst moments, where you are staring into the blackest hole, the razor-lined mouth of a vicious, rabid animal- when you aren’t good enough, pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough- when the worst thing inside you chooses to attack- it is temporary. Likewise, when you are in those moments of pure joy, surrounded by your loved ones, high scoring skee-ball, holding your best friends hand at a concert- it is also temporary.

And that is ok. 

It is life, and living, or the closest thing to it- but more than that there is help.

I go to therapy- my doctor and I don’t use labels, because she believes that every single person is a different case. What one person has more of, another has less of.

And in the differences, we are all the same- imbalanced, and some of us need an assist. I grew up in an era that came off the tail end of damning the notion of mental treatment, so it was a dirty phrase. Unfortunately it still is today. The labels linger, the stigma exists, and all of it keeps help further away.

This is the part where I get serious and say that if you suffer from severe depression, you should seek treatment. If no one takes you seriously- find someone that will. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t fear a single repercussion for taking my mental health seriously and in my hands. Nothing would stop me. Not a label, or a joke- nothing.

I hope you find comfort in this. I hope you know that a lot of people, including myself, battle the beast all the time, and we win. I have finally gotten myself to a place where I no longer face the extremes, but it takes work, every week- I get up, and I make sure I am at my session- even the days where I don’t want to be there. I would imagine you’d feel the same way sometimes, and that is ok. Maybe it’s even hard for you to take the first steps- and that’s ok too.

 I know you can.

I finished my fic of this. YESSSSS

ao3feed-sterek:

read it on the AO3 at http://ift.tt/SQo60a

by

Lydia cocks her hip and glares at him.“What, Derek? Do you not see the sock on the door? That means baby girl Hale belongs to me right now. Do you know how hard my nipples are? This better be important.”

“I’m pregnant. Get out.”

Lydia blinks at him, turns, grabs her dress, and leaves without another word. (Sequel to You’re Awful, I Want You)

Words: 2548, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Series: Part 3 of ΛΚΣ Wolves of Northern California State University



read it on the AO3 at http://ift.tt/SQo60a

ao3feed-sterek:

read it on the AO3 at http://ift.tt/1ppVusZ

by

Derek’s never had a word for the line his identity walks between male and female so he goes with the default cisgender term. Before his girlfriend queer bashed him, he was really comfortable with that nonconventional sense of self, embraced it, loved it. Now traumatized he’s pulled in and away from the person inside and hid in the stereotype male person except for in the most private of places with the closest of family. Stiles, home from school to take care of his dad, may be the first person in a decade Derek can be the real Derek with. It’s dangerous because Stiles wants that Derek, he really does.

Words: 16198, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English



read it on the AO3 at http://ift.tt/1ppVusZ
Asker omgdudexx Asks:
Don't mean to rush but are you still writing on the Tried & Tested series on A03?
dancinbutterfly dancinbutterfly Said:

You are goddamn right I am. It’s in beta.

ao3feed-sterek:

read it on the AO3 at http://ift.tt/1hXcrsy

by

Derek wakes up horrified to find himself curled up in a ball at Stiles’s feet. Sleeping at the foot of the bed is so primitive, such a basely submissive gesture that Derek wants to claw out of his skin. He also wants stay there forever, maybe with a hand in his hair and that voice telling him what a good, juicy Omega he is, praising his body at a successful breeding, maybe resting a gentle foot on his stomach. That last one is a thought too far and he flails out of bed and hits the hardwood with a thump.

(Sequel to Open It and Follow)

Words: 2545, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Series: Part 2 of ΛΚΣ Wolves of Northern California State University



read it on the AO3 at http://ift.tt/1hXcrsy

ao3feed-sterek:

read it on the AO3 at http://ift.tt/1hRsGr6

by

Derek may be an Omega but he’s no one’s bitch. Still he heats up whenever he has the chance to get at a knot - he just doesn’t usually care about the knothead attached. Problem is this Alpha Stiles seems special. He’s not quite sure how to deal with that.

Words: 3596, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Series: Part 1 of ΛΚΣ Wolves of Northern California State University



read it on the AO3 at http://ift.tt/1hRsGr6

axeeeee:

winter soldier+frozen

IT DOESNT HAVE TO BE A SNOWMAN *sob*

Claudia Stilinski

The terribly sad thing about the Stilinski family? Knowing that they are in fact facing murderous monsters is a relief after what they’ve gone through. Scott resists the supernatural because he is not supposed to fight, he’s just a teenager where as Stiles falls down readily into the darkness of their new world with something almost like relief because clearly he sees that these monsters at least can be fought. Having that difference in outlook is one of the defining differences between Stiles and Scott as heroes and is why Scott is cast into the trope of the reluctant king while Stiles is molded as the wise advisor.

(via coyotequeens)

onthelosingside:

snogandagrope:

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Who wants the smoking kink fic? Huh? Anyone?

goddogs:

vivi-shiba:

j-aws:

ryedragon:

inritum:

reblog and make a wish!this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)

OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT’S BACK ON MY DASH.
THIS SHIT WORKS OKAY, I AM DEAD SERIOUS.
The last time I saw this on my dash, I didn’t think it would happen, so jokingly I wished I could go to a fun. concert.
AND GUESS WHAT, I WENT TO A FUCKING FUN. CONCERT.
THIS SHIT WORKS, TRY IT.

yay its back.

so…I half jokingly reblogged this yesterday cos I thought it was a nice picture…and was like oh wow I only get wishes on birthdays what would I wish for?!?!?! how about gainful employment L0L… and like…I have a job now? That I never applied for? That someone just called me up and said “here, have this”? In a place I really really like?So like… h8ers gonna h8 or something

magic is real?

goddogs:

vivi-shiba:

j-aws:

ryedragon:

inritum:

reblog and make a wish!


this was removed from tumbrl due to “violating one or more of Tumblr’s Community Guidelines”, but since my wish came true the first time, I’m putting it back. :)

OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT’S BACK ON MY DASH.

THIS SHIT WORKS OKAY, I AM DEAD SERIOUS.

The last time I saw this on my dash, I didn’t think it would happen, so jokingly I wished I could go to a fun. concert.

AND GUESS WHAT, I WENT TO A FUCKING FUN. CONCERT.

THIS SHIT WORKS, TRY IT.

yay its back.

so…
I half jokingly reblogged this yesterday cos I thought it was a nice picture…
and was like oh wow I only get wishes on birthdays what would I wish for?!?!?! how about gainful employment L0L

… and like…

I have a job now? That I never applied for? That someone just called me up and said “here, have this”? In a place I really really like?

So like… h8ers gonna h8 or something

magic is real?

(via queeniegalore)

In honor of my favorite warrior woman - rest in peace and watch over them. They’re going to need it. 

Alison - Elvis Costello: “Alison I know this world is killing you. Oh Alison my aim is true.”

Alison by Elvis Costello on Grooveshark

"It’s okay. This is perfect."

MARCH THE 11TH

More Man than Monster - A Teen Wolf Season 1 Derek Hale Mix from StartsWithR&EndsWithS on 8tracks Radio.

More Man than Monster - A Season 1 Derek/Kate, Derek/Stiles, Mostly Just Derek mix I created with full annotations and lyrics! Give it a listen :D Its a story in itself.

thegirlwiththeleadarrow:

Well, it was only a matter of time.

I love the smell of poetic justice in the morning. Smells like…victory. 

(via heyfunniest)